I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes.
DAVE ATTELLI’m a joke comic. I tell jokes.
DAVE ATTELLBeing on the road is kind of lonely.
DAVE ATTELLSo, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
DAVE ATTELLSex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don’t you? “Damn I got to get the hell out of here!” “What was I thinking!”
DAVE ATTELLI love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
DAVE ATTELLI have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.
DAVE ATTELLA joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that’s pretty much what you’re supposed to do with jokes. You’re not supposed to take it any further than that.
DAVE ATTELLThe more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. “Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait – don’t run away!”
DAVE ATTELLAspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
DAVE ATTELLWhen I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
DAVE ATTELLI’m not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn’t like it, other scarier voice in my head! ‘Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.
DAVE ATTELLIs she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
DAVE ATTELLWhen I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
DAVE ATTELLA lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that’s about it.
DAVE ATTELLIf you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
DAVE ATTELLI’m not like a performer type.
DAVE ATTELL