Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
DAVE ATTELLAspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
More Dave Attell Quotes
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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I never do any magic. You just can’t go around walking, “Ta-da!” “Ta-da!” “Ta-da!” The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.
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I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
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My day jobs… I knew I was bad at those, so I didn’t really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
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Don’t get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away.
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I have a lot of pot tendencies. I’m always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.
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A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that’s about it.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that’s not what I said!
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
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Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin’ out. He’s like ‘the electric chair? That’s too good for these people. That’s too good for them’.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
DAVE ATTELL