I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
DAVE ATTELLAspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
More Dave Attell Quotes
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I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
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Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, “Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.”
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I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ‘the cops.’ But you know, sometimes, you’ve just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!
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There’s a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you’re looking in a window. I’ll give you a hint: one of ’em is super illegal.
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I’m not like a performer type.
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When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.
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I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that’s not what I said!
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
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My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I’ll tell you ladies: it’s amazing.
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My day jobs… I knew I was bad at those, so I didn’t really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
DAVE ATTELL