The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. “Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait – don’t run away!”
DAVE ATTELLAspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
More Dave Attell Quotes
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A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that’s about it.
DAVE ATTELL -
Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin’ out. He’s like ‘the electric chair? That’s too good for these people. That’s too good for them’.
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I don’t watch reality TV.
DAVE ATTELL -
I never do any magic. You just can’t go around walking, “Ta-da!” “Ta-da!” “Ta-da!” The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising.
DAVE ATTELL -
I don’t think I’m a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
DAVE ATTELL -
I’m not like a performer type.
DAVE ATTELL -
I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.
DAVE ATTELL -
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
DAVE ATTELL -
Being on the road is kind of lonely.
DAVE ATTELL -
Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
DAVE ATTELL -
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that’s really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa… Write it down!
DAVE ATTELL -
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.
DAVE ATTELL -
I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
DAVE ATTELL -
There’s a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you’re looking in a window. I’ll give you a hint: one of ’em is super illegal.
DAVE ATTELL -
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I’ll tell you ladies: it’s amazing.
DAVE ATTELL







