Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
DAVE ATTELLAspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
More Dave Attell Quotes
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There’s a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you’re looking in a window. I’ll give you a hint: one of ’em is super illegal.
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I don’t watch reality TV.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that’s about it.
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I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
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Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don’t you? “Damn I got to get the hell out of here!” “What was I thinking!”
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I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes.
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I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
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I’m not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn’t like it, other scarier voice in my head! ‘Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I’m not an actor though, so I don’t really have much choice in the matter.
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Don’t get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.
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I’m not like a performer type.
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When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
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I never wanted to be famous.
DAVE ATTELL