Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ‘the cops.’ But you know, sometimes, you’ve just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!
DAVE ATTELLYeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ‘the cops.’ But you know, sometimes, you’ve just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!
DAVE ATTELLI’m not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn’t like it, other scarier voice in my head! ‘Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.
DAVE ATTELLltimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can’t get you laid. It’s an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.
DAVE ATTELLI like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I’m not an actor though, so I don’t really have much choice in the matter.
DAVE ATTELLI have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
DAVE ATTELLI never wanted to be famous.
DAVE ATTELLI’m not like a performer type.
DAVE ATTELLI’ve never had a surprise birthday party. I’ve had every other type of surprise. I’ve had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
DAVE ATTELLAre you shooting webs of stupid at me?
DAVE ATTELLI’m a joke comic. I tell jokes.
DAVE ATTELLI never do any magic. You just can’t go around walking, “Ta-da!” “Ta-da!” “Ta-da!” The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising.
DAVE ATTELLI love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
DAVE ATTELLI like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
DAVE ATTELLEveryone was laughin’. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
DAVE ATTELLMy cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I’ll tell you ladies: it’s amazing.
DAVE ATTELLAspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
DAVE ATTELL