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When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

Dave Attell

Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
DAVE ATTELL

Alright Chair Enough Worse
I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
DAVE ATTELL

Lot Soundtracks Stuff
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
DAVE ATTELL

Loce Stuff Television
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
DAVE ATTELL

Book Drunk Phones
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that’s not what I said!
DAVE ATTELL

Girlfriend Said Sometimes
I’m not the comic of the generation, I’m not even the funniest guy in my family.
DAVE ATTELL

Family Generations Guy
I don’t think I’m a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
DAVE ATTELL

Celebrity Stars Thinking
I’m not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn’t like it, other scarier voice in my head! ‘Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.
DAVE ATTELL

Cause Scarier
The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. “Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait – don’t run away!”
DAVE ATTELL

Discovery Funny Running
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, “Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.”
DAVE ATTELL

Ejaculation Funny Humor
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
DAVE ATTELL

Bracelet Crazy Funny Humor
A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that’s about it.
DAVE ATTELL

Computer Facebook Kids More Thinking Want
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don’t know what happened to them. That’s the crowd that I like, the ones that don’t get so offended just to be offended.
DAVE ATTELL

Happened Long People Show Tattoo
Everyone was laughin’. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
DAVE ATTELL

Everyone Funny Humor Laughter
I’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s what I’m going to keep doing.
DAVE ATTELL

Besides Comedy Comic Doing Plus
Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
DAVE ATTELL

Great Writers Joyce

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

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When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

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