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When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

Dave Attell

I’m not the comic of the generation, I’m not even the funniest guy in my family.
DAVE ATTELL

Family Generations Guy
Being on the road is kind of lonely.
DAVE ATTELL

Being Kind Lonely Road
Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I’ll tell you why: it’s cuz of that one sick man, and it’s up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.
DAVE ATTELL

Animal Country Men Sex Sick
Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
DAVE ATTELL

Funny Humor Shooting Stupid
I’m not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn’t like it, other scarier voice in my head! ‘Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.
DAVE ATTELL

Cause Scarier
I don’t watch reality TV.
DAVE ATTELL

Reality Television Tell Watches Work
The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. “Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait – don’t run away!”
DAVE ATTELL

Discovery Funny Running
Everyone was laughin’. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
DAVE ATTELL

Everyone Funny Humor Laughter
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
DAVE ATTELL

Bracelet Crazy Funny Humor
Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
DAVE ATTELL

Great Writers Joyce
My day jobs… I knew I was bad at those, so I didn’t really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
DAVE ATTELL

Comedy Confidence Jobs Thinking
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
DAVE ATTELL

Book Drunk Phones
When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
DAVE ATTELL

Country Kids Pardon People
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.
DAVE ATTELL

Imagination Life Reality Watch
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He’s at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don’t know what he’s talking about.
DAVE ATTELL

Bland Dad Firstly Military Mother Together
Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
DAVE ATTELL

Aspirin Funny Hookers Humor

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

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When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

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