“If you lose the power to laugh, you lose the power to think.”

The purpose of man is like the purpose of a pollywog – to wiggle along as far as he can without dying; or, to hang to life until death takes him.

I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.

Some of you say religion makes people happy. So does laughing gas.

It is bigotry for public schools to teach only one theory of origins.

There are a lot of myths which make the human race cruel and barbarous and unkind. Good and Evil, Sin and Crime, Free Will and the like delusions made to excuse God for damning men and to excuse men for crucifying each other.

The origin of the absurd idea of immortal life is easy to discover; it is kept alive by hope and fear, by childish faith, and by cowardice.

Any one who thinks is an agnostic about something, otherwise he must believe that he is possessed of all knowledge. And the proper place for such a person is in the madhouse or the home for the feeble-minded.

The only real lawyers are trial lawyers, and trial lawyers try cases to juries.

Never forget, almost every case has been won or lost when the jury is sworn.

The truth is that brains have little to do with either the making or accumulating of money.

The difference between the child and the man lies chiefly in the unlimited confidence and buoyancy of youth.

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.

Chase after the truth like all hell.

Anyone can spot a lie, unless he is in need of that lie.

Wars always bring about a conservative reaction. They overwhelm and destroy patient and careful efforts to improve the condition of man.

I don’t believe in God because I don’t believe in Mother Goose.

I always laugh when people ask me about rebounding techniques. I’ve got a technique. It’s called just go get the damn ball.

We don’t apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don’t get it, then don’t watch us.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

Learn what is to be taken seriously and laugh at the rest.

Who would not have been laughed at if he had said in 1800 that metals could be extracted from their ores by electricity or that portraits could be drawn by chemistry.

There are some things so serious you have to laugh at them.

If we couldn’t laugh at ourselves, that would be the end of everything.

The laughers are a majority.