“Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3.”

I love swimming in rivers, and well remember once jumping in at Chiswick.

We need to look at our nannying, mollycoddled, politically correct culture in my view, which stops kids from going out and playing competitive sport. I also think we need to look at the shear fatness of the regulations which control people who want to help kids play sport.

The meat in the sausage has got to be Conservative.

I am supporting David Cameron purely out of cynical self-interest.

Dark forces dragged me away from the keyboard, swirling forces of irresistible intensity and power.

We should celebrate immigrants and everything they do for our country.

My policy on cake is pro having it and pro eating it.

Never in my life did I think I would be congratulated by Mick Jagger for achieving anything.

I lead a life of blameless domesticity and always have done.

We did everything we could to break down barriers that restrain poorest.

Yes, cannabis is dangerous, but no more than other perfectly legal drugs. It’s time for a rethink, and the Tory party – the funkiest, most jiving party on Earth – is where it’s happening.

Do you seriously propose that they are going to be so insane as to allow tariffs to be imposed. The EU is, I’m afraid a job destroying engine. You can see it all across southern Europe, you can see it, alas, in our country.

I think the risks that people see of terrorism are incredibly important but we are very confident we have got the right people on it and the risks have been minimised.

Nothing excites compassion, in friend and foe alike, as much as the sight of you ker-splonked on the Tarmac with your propeller buried six feet under.

I don’t believe that economic equality is possible; indeed some measure of inequality is essential for the spirit of envy and keeping up with the Joneses that is, like greed, a valuable spur to economic activity.

When Cameron’s Conservatives come to power it will be a golden age for cyclists and an Elysium of cycle lanes, bike racks, and sharia law for bike thieves. And I hope that cycling in London will become almost Chinese in its ubiquity.

Life is so largely controlled by chance that its conduct can be but a perpetual improvisation.

Never give children a chance of imagining that anything exists in isolation. Make it plain from the very beginning that all living is relationship. Show them relationships in the woods, in the fields, in the ponds and streams, in the village and in the country around it. Rub it in.

A child-like man is not a man whose development has been arrested; on the contrary, he is a man who has given himself a chance of continuing to develop long after most adults have muffled themselves in the cocoon of middle-aged habit and convention.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

I would say to you that Americans of Hispanic descent want desperately to give their children the chances they never had.

Good memories are our second chance at happiness.

If your goal is to be comfortable, chances are you’ll never get rich. But if your goal is to be rich, chances are you’ll end up mighty comfortable.

Christmas for me is all about spending time with my family. I cherish any chance we have to spend all day together making gingerbread houses, baking cookies, or sitting around and watching movies.