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With my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.

Bob Monkhouse

I’m rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Guarantee Humor
I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Clubs Home Real
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Father Funny Humor
When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
BOB MONKHOUSE

Boards Drawing Inventor
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Mom Mother
I came home and found that my son was taking drugs – my very best ones too!
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Home Humor
I saw a specialist who asked me ‘Are you familiar with the phrase faecal impaction?’. I said I think I saw that one with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Phrases Saws Thinking
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Clever Funny Smart
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Humor Wife
I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Humor Sex
Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Humor Life
Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Humor Silence
What do gardeners do when they retire?
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Humor Retirement
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Sex Wife Years
My wife said, ‘Can my mother come down for the weekend?’ So I said, ‘Why?’ And she said, ‘Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.’
BOB MONKHOUSE

Funny Love Mother
I can still enjoy sex at 74 – I live at 75, so it’s no distance.
BOB MONKHOUSE

Distance Funny Sex

With my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.

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With my wife it was sex, sex, sex…Yes, three times in 35 years.

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