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People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.

Bo Burnham

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don’t.
BO BURNHAM

Comedy Funny Humor Women
There’s a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he’s a good conductor?
BO BURNHAM

Country Funny Humor Long Met People
Because I see that as a crutch sometimes and I want to know that I can do something funny and worthwhile without that. And also make a show that my parents would like and that kids could watch with their parents.
BO BURNHAM

Like Parent Something Sometimes Watch
I feel more like I’m doing a play whose main character just happens to share my name.
BO BURNHAM

Character Doing Feel Main
I’m a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.
BO BURNHAM

Funny Girlfriend Uncle
I’m friends with a lot of comedians, but we don’t talk about material. Most comedians I know don’t watch a lot of other comedy.
BO BURNHAM

Comedian Comedy Watches
The strange thing with Wikipedia is that the first article that ever gets written about you will define your Wikipedia page forever.
BO BURNHAM

Firsts Forever Wikipedia
I’m gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.
BO BURNHAM

Funny Gay Humor Jesus
If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn’t respect that.
BO BURNHAM

Beliefs Hateful People
And if ten percent of men are gay and twenty percent of men are Chinese, what are the odds that a men chosen at random spends his free time and mealtime while on his knees.
BO BURNHAM

Country Funny Gay Humor Meet Time
I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer
BO BURNHAM

Deer Necks Saws
You love the people that give you money and attention? Of course you do, that’s not selfless that you love your fans, that’s ridiculous.
BO BURNHAM

Attention Love Money Ridiculous Selfless
Where are all the sour patch parents?
BO BURNHAM

Funny Humor Parent
Comedy is the one absolutely self-aware art form. Actually, hip-hop’s another one, I suppose. Because in your songs you’re talking about how good a hip-hop artist you are. It’s like a painter painting a panting of himself painting a painting.
BO BURNHAM

Art Aware Comedy Self Song
I know it’s the comedian’s instinct to say, “Do it, man, nothing’s off-limits! It’s cool, bro!” I don’t know if that’s the answer for me.
BO BURNHAM

Fall Know Men Miscarriage
I thought I wanted to be a physicist in high school until I learned that there was much more math than philosophy in it. I assumed I would just sit around all day and think.
BO BURNHAM

Math Philosophy School

People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.

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People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.

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Popular Authors

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