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Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.

Billy Connolly

I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Audience Differences Offended People You
Well, the film’s not only pricking the pomposity of the Church, it’s pricking the pomposity, and sometimes you would think fraudulence, of the insurance companies.
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Fraudulence People Pomposity Sometimes Thinking Water
If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
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Funny Humor Jesus
I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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Fog Singer Voice
The human race has been set up. Someone, somewhere, is playing a practical joke on us. Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. How do we ever get started.
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Apparently Men Race Sex Women
I don’t aim to offend.
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Offended Target The Aim
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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Hands Issues People Pound
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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Blow Make Think Thinking Useless
I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
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Firsts Guy Minute Movie Stars
I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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Absolutely End Jokes Stage Thinking
I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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Dog Doors Independent Stuff
Don’t buy one of those baby intercoms. Babies pretend to be dead. They’re bastards, and they do it on purpose.
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Baby Bastard Purpose
Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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Arches Audience People
I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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Angel Believe Marijuana Suppose Wings
I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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Alright Disease Humorous Mad
Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
BILLY CONNOLLY

Chocolate Fall Pocket

Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.

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Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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