Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
BILLY CONNOLLYOh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
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Try to live in a place you like.
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there’s a nuclear attack it’ll look exactly the same afterwards.
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
BILLY CONNOLLY