I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
BILLY CONNOLLYOh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Save the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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I don’t understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I’m amazed what people come up with when they look at them.
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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Behind the proscenium arch, you can’t always hear what people in the audience are saying.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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I’m a huge film star… but you have to hurry to the movies, because I usually die in the first 15 f–ing minutes. I’m the only guy I know who died in a f–ing Muppet movie.
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Revolution was written into the U.S. Constitution so it’s like they’re in a constant state of revolution. But then again, happiness is written into their constitution as well, which makes them pretty unique.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
BILLY CONNOLLY