I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
BILLY CONNOLLYOh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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I don’t believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don’t want to say I don’t believe in God, but I don’t think I do. But I believe in people who do.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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A well-balanced person has a drink in each hand.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.
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A lot of people are too easily offended. Religious people, for instance. They’ve been offending other people for centuries.
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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Don’t tell me how to do my job. I don’t come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
BILLY CONNOLLY