“By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.”

BS is just what it stands for, an MS is More of the Same, and a PhD is Piled Higher and Deeper.

What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone’s ringing a lot more and I’ve got nine lines so when it doesn’t ring, it’s very frustrating.

Behavior is the theory of manners practically applied.

Kids are not driving themselves to McDonalds. It’s not about kids and their choices. It’s about parents and their choices.

Hey, Ill be a pretty boy for money.

Perhaps the crime situation would be improved if we could get more cops off television and onto the streets.

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won’t cross the street to vote in a national election.

The Four Rules of Life: 1. Show Up 2. Pay Attention 3.Tell the Truth 4. Don’t be upset at the results.

Keep strong if possible; in any case, keep cool.

Nothing is more irritating than not being invited to a party you wouldn”t be seen dead at

I believe the world is increasingly in danger of becoming split into groups which cannot communicate with each other, which no longer think of each other as members of the same species.

If you think that one individual can’t make a difference in the world, consider what one cigar can do in a nine-room house.

Evil is simple and empty. Evil has no mysterious depths. We stare into a dark hole and fill it with our fears, but it is only a hole.

We didn’t have MTV, and I was desperate for something. You know, you’re young, you want something off the beaten path. And Twin Peaks was like, surrealism on network TV.

Benefits are acceptable, while the receiver thinks he may return them; but once exceeding that, hatred is given instead of thanks.

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.

I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today.

The way the elderly are treated, and in some cases warehoused and medicated, rather than nurtured and listened to, is distressing.

Roman Catholicism: a hundred million people bowing down before a flesh-hating, elderly celibate.

I remember once having to stop performing when I thought an elderly man a few rows back from the front was actually going to die because he was laughing so hard.