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My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!

Bill Engvall

Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
BILL ENGVALL

Day Died God Great
To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
BILL ENGVALL

Companies Please Song Writing Xmas
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
BILL ENGVALL

Couple Fishing Give Up
The older you get, the more people think they have to listen to you.
BILL ENGVALL

Older People Thinking
My wife, trying to be helpful, goes to the grocery store and buys this stuff called soy bacon. Let me tell you something: I know soy beans are good for a lot of things.
BILL ENGVALL

Buy Real Stuff Trying Wife
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.
BILL ENGVALL

Animal Discovery Hurt Shark
I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down.
BILL ENGVALL

Butter Peanut Sick Taste
I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.
BILL ENGVALL

Believe Heart Men
Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
BILL ENGVALL

Gutters Honey Light
I guess because of the drop in the barometric pressure it affected my brain and I was destined to become a stand up comic, although at that age I wasn’t aware of my destiny.
BILL ENGVALL

Age Aware Barometric Comic Destiny Pressure
Number one: ‘You’re only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.’ Number two: ‘We have medication for this.’ And number three: ‘It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.’
BILL ENGVALL

Damage Hundred Number One Responsible
The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
BILL ENGVALL

Brain Humans Instruction
You can’t even tell your mom, because she gives that face, Oh, he is that stupid.
BILL ENGVALL

Gives Mom Stupid Tell
I believe that Lady Gaga is like a carnival ride. From a distance she looks fun, but up close, you don’t wanna climb on that.
BILL ENGVALL

Believe Distance Fun
Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
BILL ENGVALL

Clouds Flying Needs
I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
BILL ENGVALL

Class Guy Skills

My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!

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My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!

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Popular Authors

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