black
grey
blue
red
brown
white

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Bill Engvall

I go “I just want a cup of black coffee.” She goes “Do you want to try a biscotti? They’re from Italy and they’re considered a delicacy.” Have you ever eaten one of these things? It tastes like a burned cookie. Where I’m from, that’s considered a mistake.
BILL ENGVALL

Coffee Eating Funny Mistake
You get one piece every four to six weeks, you don’t know what kind of shape that piece is gonna be in when you get it, but you still gotta pay the handling charges.
BILL ENGVALL

Change Handling Shape Six Week
I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Girl Humor Remember
I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Kids Teacher
Martial sex is kinda like ordering a Civil War chess set through the mail.
BILL ENGVALL

Pieces Sex War
The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
BILL ENGVALL

Brain Humans Instruction
I believe pain is nature’s way of saying, ‘You’re still alive, and life sucks.’
BILL ENGVALL

Belief Life Pain Suck
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Humor Uncles
I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
BILL ENGVALL

Invention iPhone People
Number one: ‘You’re only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage.’ Number two: ‘We have medication for this.’ And number three: ‘It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school.’
BILL ENGVALL

Damage Hundred Number One Responsible
Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
BILL ENGVALL

Hamburgers Ketchup Shirts
Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
BILL ENGVALL

Helping Others Race Thinking
I swear to you, I am the cheapest drunk on the planet. It takes nothing to get me loopy and doing stupid stuff. Yeah. Some of you like that? Well… like riding an electric floor buffer for a shot of tequila. Did it!
BILL ENGVALL

Drunk Riding Stupid
I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
BILL ENGVALL

Giving Hunting Thinking
When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
BILL ENGVALL

Audience Feelings Looks World
The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Crunchy Girl Locked Rabbit

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

More Bill Engvall Quotes