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Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

Bill Engvall

I now know why old men like women with really big boobs. They see a trend. I mean, they call it a nursing home, hello.
BILL ENGVALL

Big Boobs Hello Home Nursing Really
The girl looked at me and said, Do you have a rabbit? I looked at here and said deadpan, Nope. Just like ’em ’cause they’re crunchy. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Crunchy Girl Locked Rabbit
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say ‘I’m Stupid.’ That way you wouldn’t rely on them, and you wouldn’t ask them for nothing.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Hate Nothing Stupid
So I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.
BILL ENGVALL

Catholics Communion Left Second
And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
BILL ENGVALL

Home Mean Nursing
Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
BILL ENGVALL

Dad Looked Son Yesterday
I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Giving Nope Poring Sign Talking
I just realized that with the invention of the iPhone and others you now get to see the top of people’s heads.
BILL ENGVALL

Invention iPhone People
You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
BILL ENGVALL

Ass Kissing Scooter
I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Kids Teacher
Can someone explain to me why pilots feel they need to wake everyone to tell us that we are flying by a cloud that looks like a monkey.
BILL ENGVALL

Clouds Flying Needs
I’ve never read a kayak manual, but I’m pretty sure page one says ‘Use in water.’
BILL ENGVALL

Pages Use Water
My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL

Hope Hunt Purchase Sign
To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
BILL ENGVALL

Companies Please Song Writing Xmas
When you’re doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can’t get on TV. There’s not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
BILL ENGVALL

Audience Feelings Looks World
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Humor Uncles

Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

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Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.

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Popular Authors

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