I cannot believe that [Donald Trump] is actually in the debates.
BILL BURRYou know what a cubicle basically says? It basically says, like, ‘You know what? We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office, but we don’t want you to look at anybody.
More Bill Burr Quotes
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I love doing radio, and I love doing stand-up, obviously.
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Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.
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I was a feature one time and they gave me host money. When I called to complain the guy goes “no you didn’t feature, you co-hosted”. He literally invented a term so he didn’t have to pay me. And obviously that check bounced!
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There is no reason to hit a woman. And I was just like, really? I could give you, like, 17 right off the top of my head.
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I’ve had a great time on the road, I would say shooting guns with a silencer in Jacksonville, Fla.
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A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there’s like a devil and a devil and they’re just battling it out the whole time. It’s like, “Smoke some crack!” “Get a hooker!” And then I go, “YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!”
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I’m like that loud guy in the bar, who kind of makes sense for about ten minutes, and then you realise he flunked everything at high school so you just laugh at him.
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Haven’t you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?
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Think about the amount of crap the US has done! Between slavery and the genocide of the Native Americans – if any of that had been filmed like [Adolf] Hitler, we’d never live it down.
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I’m not going to lie. I am a psycho. Luckily, I get most of it out on stage.
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A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they’re really small.
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I keep doing specials because I think there are a lot of people who make movies and TV who are fans of comedy – if they start to like you, they’ll get a project going and call you in.
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My favorite part of podcasting is running my mouth for an hour. The only time I dont like it is when Im off. Then that hour feels like a day and a half.
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Being a stand-up comic, this isn’t a stepping-stone for me; it’s what I do, and this is what I’m always going to do. And even if I do a TV show, the only reasons to do a TV show is to get more people to know me to come out to my stand-up shows.
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Everyone should just drive out to the Mojave Desert and just experience it, and it’s a fun place to live.
BILL BURR