I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today.
BILL BURRLike I said, you guys in the media will treat the dumbest jack**s in the entire f***ng world like they won a Pulitzer prize for journalism and will put that level of weight on it, like they’re an ambassador to some country we’re trying to establish trade with.
More Bill Burr Quotes
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[I’m] more German than Irish.
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I love my dog. I hate bankers. I have issues with women. In my head, I’m a great guy.
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A lot of my fears and anxieties are the fears and anxieties of a six-year-old boy. When I finally confront them, they’re really small.
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I’ve battled with that type of stuff, but what I’ve found is that by doing stand-up, I’ve actually learned about depression and how to combat it. I don’t have clinical, but I’ve definitely had my bouts with it.
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I’m an idiot, basically. I don’t think that I’m a dumb guy, but I also realise that I have access to about 0.1 percent of the information that I need to have a truly informed opinion about half the stuff I talk about.
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Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else’s success is not your failure.
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Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.
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You have to understand how bad I wanted to be a comedian, how much I loved doing it. I still can’t believe I get to do this for a living and have people come up and want to see me.
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I’m not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.
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Pitbulls are like a gun you can pet.
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Out of nowhere comes this speeding camouflaged golf cart and this guy starts yelling at me, ‘What do you think you’re doing!’ The guy wrote my name down and began to follow me before I got really scared and took off as fast as I could.
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For aspiring comedians? Don’t listen to me. Just go on stage and do what you think is funny.
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I have this weird sort of Gemini thing where I can really be empathetic and a loving person. But if you piss me off, I can be one of the meanest, most sadistic people.
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If you’re on social media as a performer you can tell. If you don’t get any Tweets you know it’s bombed. I can pretty much gauge how it’s doing by comparing the reception to shows I’ve done that have actual ratings.
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Being a comedian is an incredible thing, but it can be scary sometimes.
BILL BURR