If I get married I get a tax break, if I have a kid I get a tax break, if I get a mortgage I get a tax break. I don’t have any kids and I drive a hybrid, I think I should get a tax break.
BILL BURRLike I said, you guys in the media will treat the dumbest jack**s in the entire f***ng world like they won a Pulitzer prize for journalism and will put that level of weight on it, like they’re an ambassador to some country we’re trying to establish trade with.
More Bill Burr Quotes
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I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today.
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Any other town you go to there’s this little devil and a little angel on your shoulder.
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I’m a standup comedian who gets to act. I’m never going to not do standup. I love doing it and when I go through periods where I’m doing a lot of acting work, I still do standup.
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Haven’t you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald’s has a new sandwich?
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I cannot believe that [Donald Trump] is actually in the debates.
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I’ve had a great time on the road, I would say shooting guns with a silencer in Jacksonville, Fla.
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What are they worried about? Nobody ever walked into a show as a bleeding heart liberal and had a comedian undo 30 years of life experience.
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Let’s go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you’re thinking.
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I started having a panic attack seeing my name in that list of people. It was pretty overwhelming.
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I was painfully shy when I was younger but at some point you’ve gotta grow up. I think the genius in the man-boy thing is you tap into a woman’s motherly instincts.
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As much as Metallica rocked, they always had these song names… ‘The Thing That Shouldn’t Be’. ‘The Chair That Wasn’t There’, you know?
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I think it’s a privilege to be able to fly to somewhere where people want to see my show.
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My favorite part of podcasting is running my mouth for an hour. The only time I dont like it is when Im off. Then that hour feels like a day and a half.
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Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!
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Michael Price is the showrunner so nobody works harder than him.
BILL BURR