I don’t think people know what hygienist means.
BILL BURRIf you get a chance to go outside of the country, you start examining where you’re from and some of the thought processes.
More Bill Burr Quotes
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There is no reason to hit a woman. And I was just like, really? I could give you, like, 17 right off the top of my head.
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I just do my act. If people in England don’t get my joke I make fun of myself for telling it.
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I can tell you why I like different countries. Ireland – some of the funniest heckles I’ve ever gotten. And the last time I did England I did Bristol, Manchester, and then London. The whole country is just amazing to drive through.
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Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I’m yelling?
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I’ve had a great time on the road, I would say shooting guns with a silencer in Jacksonville, Fla.
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Being a stand-up comic, this isn’t a stepping-stone for me; it’s what I do, and this is what I’m always going to do. And even if I do a TV show, the only reasons to do a TV show is to get more people to know me to come out to my stand-up shows.
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I’m not easy to live with. My wife is a saint.
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I used to always work in, like, warehouses, because if my boss gave me a rough time, I could just get on a forklift and just, like, drive away from him.
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I used to think you had to live this miserable life and that that would make you funnier, but you don’t. The misery will come. The misery will find you.
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A little good advice, a little bad advice.You go to Las Vegas, there’s like a devil and a devil and they’re just battling it out the whole time. It’s like, “Smoke some crack!” “Get a hooker!” And then I go, “YEA! Yea, this is a good town. Smoke some crack and get a hooker! Alright!”
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There’s no “brothers” when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don’t care about each other. He’s not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio – I don’t know that guy.
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Gold diggers are the wife beaters of men!
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I bet The Walking Dead gets really low ratings out in Montana, just because all they need to do is look out their f-king window, am I right?
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I cannot believe that [Donald Trump] is actually in the debates.
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Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That’s all I really care about you and your little garden hose.
BILL BURR