Contentment is knowing you’re right
BILL BAILEYWhy do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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Work hard, save and live within your means.
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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
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American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you’ve got to admire the workmanship.
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
BILL BAILEY