“Personally, I can’t see why it would be any less romantic to find a husband in a nice four-color catalogue than in the average downtown bar at happy hour.”

Jesus: a wine-guzzling vagrant and precocious socialist.

For the millions of us who live glued to computer keyboards at work and TV monitors at home, food may be more than entertainment. It may be the only sensual experience left.

I have a Ph.D. in cell biology. And that’s really manual labor. I mean, experimental science, you do it with your hands. So it’s very different. You’re out there in a lab, cleaning test tubes, and it just wasn’t that fascinating.

There is a reason why America produced the most vigorous feminist movement in the world: We were one of the only countries in which the middle class (which is wealthy by world standards) customarily employed its own women as domestic servants.

Upscale young men seem to go for the kind of woman who plays with a full deck of credit cards.

There’s more pressure on women to be chirpy and perky.

the fastest-growing brand of religion is of the magical ‘name it and claim it’ variety, in which the deity exists only to meet one’s immediate, self-identified needs.

It’s even occurred to me, as a teeny little subversive whisper of a thought, that if we stop mowing the lawn right now, it will probably be a long, long time before the yard gets overrun by lions and snakes.

When I was born, my father was a copper miner in Butte, Montana. It was a hard-core, blue-collar situation.

For anyone worn down, The Impossible Will Take a Little While is a bracing double cappuccino.

We who officially value freedom of speech above life itself seem to have nothing to talk about but the weather.

Yes, I think especially the Pentecostal churches, you know, that there’s been such a growth in Pentecostalism. And it’s a rejection of the much more dour and barren kind of Calvinist worship and also, the very formal Catholic forms of worship.

What you don’t necessarily realize when you start selling your time by the hour is that what you’re really selling is your life.

Take motherhood: nobody ever thought of putting it on a moral pedestal until some brash feminists pointed out, about a century ago, that the pay is lousy and the career ladder nonexistent.

The one regret I have about my own abortions is that they cost money that might otherwise have been spent on something more pleasurable, like taking the kids to movies and theme parks.

war is, in some not yet entirely defined sense, a self-replicating pattern of behavior, possessed of a dynamism not unlike that of living things.

About four or five months ago, at a dinner in New York, John made the very nice offer of my being guest editor for an issue of MAD and I thought about it for about half a nanosecond and decided that was a pretty good idea.

Not only are they just great, nice guys; they’re some of the best musicians you’re likely to find.

I can’t say enough good things about my band. I feel very fortunate that I found them when I did, very early in my career.

Well I’ve made no secret of my life long love of MAD Magazine, it’s probably my first and greatest influence in terms of my comic sensibilities. I’ve known John [Ficarra] for many years, and we’ve been friends.

I went to church and couldn’t swallow it. The music was nice but I don’t belong there.

The hardest thing about being famous is that people are always nice to you.

I’ve done a movie and a TV series, and someday I’d like to do a successful movie and a successful TV series. That would be nice.

Be as nice as possible and as nasty as necessary.