“If I had listened to the critics I’d have died drunk in the gutter”

Only during hard times do people come to understand how difficult it is to be master of their feelings and thoughts.

Nothing can be accomplished by logic and ethics.

Everything should be first-rate in a person, his face, clothes, soul and thoughts.

A good upbringing means not that you won’t spill sauce on the tablecloth, but that you won’t notice it when someone else does.

If you wish women to love you be original; I know a man who used to wear felt boots summer and winter & women fell in love with him.

Do silly things. Foolishness is a great deal more vital and healthy than our straining and striving after a meaningful life.

In all the universe nothing remains permanent and unchanged but the spirit.

Any idiot can face a crisis – it’s day to day living that wears you out.

You ask me what life is. That’s like asking what a carrot is. A carrot is a carrot, and there’s nothing more to know.

The illusion which exalts us is dearer to us than ten thousand truths.

He who desires nothing, hopes for nothing, and is afraid of nothing, cannot be an artist.

A man and a woman marry because both of them do not know what to do with themselves.

My love is like a stone tied round my neck; it’s dragging me down to the bottom; but I love my stone. I can’t live without it.

What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

If you want to work on your art, work on your life.

If you were to offer a thirsty man all wisdom, you would not please him more than if you gave him a drink.

I’ve had a hip replacement, I’ve beaten cancer, I had my hand operation, and I stopped drinking. Something inside of me just went, ‘I’m done.’

They’re drinkin’ home brew from a wooden cup. The folks were dancin’ there got all shook up.

I notice increasing reluctance on the part of marketing executives to use judgment; they are coming to rely too much on research, and they use it as a drunkard uses a lamp post for support, rather than for illumination.

In my lowest moments, the only reason I didn’t commit suicide was that I knew I wouldn’t be able to drink any more if I was dead.

I’m not a drunk anymore, but since they cut out my tongue, I sound drunk.

Many people – and I think I am one of them – are more productive when they’ve had a little to drink. I find if I drink two or three brandies, I’m far better able to write.

I’m still terrified of flying. I really have to get drunk to fly. I’ve found that I’ve developed fears I never had before… fears of heights, claustrophobia only in cities, though, never in the country.