Being a personality is not the same thing as having a personality.
ALAN CORENI sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.
More Alan Coren Quotes
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The role of humour is to make people fall down and writhe on the Axminster, and that is the top and bottom of it.
ALAN COREN -
10.30 Newsnight: What Are The Chances Of World War Three Breaking Out After You Have Gone To Bed?
ALAN COREN -
Having lost the last war, they are currently enjoying a “Wirtschaftswunder,” which can be briefly translated as “The best way to own a Mercedes is to build one.”
ALAN COREN -
To have a grievance is to have a purpose in life.
ALAN COREN -
Jacob is a German Shepherd. (I have never understood why they aren’t called German Sheepdogs. What do the Germans call shepherds?)
ALAN COREN -
Ethnically, the Germans are Teutonic… being made up of Vandals, Gepidae, and Goths, all of whom emigrated – south from Sweden in about 500 BC.
ALAN COREN -
The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you.
ALAN COREN -
English Bohemianism is a curiously unluscious fruit.
ALAN COREN -
Malta is the only country in the world where the local delicacy is the bread.
ALAN COREN -
Strictly speaking, the land does not exist; it is merely dehydrated sea.
ALAN COREN -
The word “souvenir” has, of course, slightly extended itself in meaning until it now denotes almost anything either breakable or useless.
ALAN COREN -
Kumquats ripen, open and plop flatly to the floor-and outside, in a neat, trimly-hoed kitchen-garden.
ALAN COREN -
A humorist tells himself every morning, “I hope it’s going to be a rough day.” When things are going well, it’s much harder to make the right jokes.
ALAN COREN -
It is a magic carpet under which everything has been swept.
ALAN COREN -
All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.
ALAN COREN