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Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written “Today I will masterbate–if I want to!

Al Franken

I do personal attacks only on people who specialize in personal attacks.
AL FRANKEN

Attack Comedy People Personal Specialize
Grown-up love means actually understanding what you love, taking the good with the bad and helping your loved one grow.
AL FRANKEN

Actual Attention Bad Good Growth Help Love Mean Talk Understand
You might not like that Facebook shares your political opinions with Politico, but are you really going to delete all the photos, all the posts, all the connections – the presence you’ve spent years establishing on the world’s dominant social network?
AL FRANKEN

Delete Dominant Establish Facebook Opinion Political Really Social Spend World Year
Skepticism turns to cynicism, which leads to apathy and despair, which can cause sleeplessness, dry-mouth, and loss of sex drive?
AL FRANKEN

Apathy Cause Despair Drive Dry Lead Loss Mouth Sex Skepticism Sleeplessness Turn
Most of us here in the media are what I call infotainers…
AL FRANKEN

Call Here Media Most
I think Clinton fatigue was a real thing. It’s just hard to get comfortable with Gore.
AL FRANKEN

Comfortable Hard King People President Real Think
If we have George W. Bush as president, we’re going to go back to the kind of policies we had when his father and Ronald Reagan were president.
AL FRANKEN

Back Father Going Kind Person Policy President
We owe an historic debt to American Indians. They have a unique set of concerns that haven’t been addressed and I’d like to stand with them. Also, I’d like to get their views on immigration.
AL FRANKEN

Address Concern Country Debt Historic Immigration Indian Like Unique View
Too many people don’t protect their smartphones with a password or PIN.
AL FRANKEN

Apple Iphon Many Password Pin Protect Smartphone
My spiritual life is… sometimes I have access to it and sometimes I don’t. When I do have access to it, it’s usually a sense of my understanding what the best course of action or the best thing for me to do.
AL FRANKEN

Access Life Mean Real Sometimes Spiritual
I’m from the Vietnam generation. I didn’t serve.
AL FRANKEN

Country Generation Serve
Which is why I think any loving, committed couple — gay or straight — should be able to get married.
AL FRANKEN

Able Committ Couple Gay Get Love Married Straight Think Why
It’s really building Air America that I’m focused on, and for me, that almost only means doing a good show.
AL FRANKEN

Air Almost Build Country Focus Good Mean Only Show
We need to start by having a conversation about climate change. It would be irresponsible to avoid the issue just because it’s uncomfortable to talk about.
AL FRANKEN

Avoid Change Climate Conversation Irresponsible Issue Need Start Talk Uncomforale Would
Ralph Nader is a hero. I know Ralph, and I call him up occasionally. He’s helped me out on a couple of occasions when I’ve given speeches to corporations where he’d have a good… He’d give me some good information.
AL FRANKEN

Call Couple Give Good Help Hero Know Occasionally Speech
People lucky enough to live in the vicinity of an industrial hog farm are, with each breath, made keenly aware of the cause of their declining property values.
AL FRANKEN

Breath Cause Decline Each Enough Farm Hog Industrial Live Lucky People Property Value Vicinity
If you use Facebook – as I do – Facebook in all likelihood has a unique digital file of your face, one that can be as accurate as a fingerprint and that can be used to identify you in a photo of a large crowd.
AL FRANKEN

Digital Face Facebook Fingerprint Life Likelihood Photo Unique Use
Demagoguery sells. And therefore, radio stations will put it on. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t do something else and also make it sell.
AL FRANKEN

Demagoguery Else Mean On Put Radio Sell Something Station
I’m for Israel’s right to exist.
AL FRANKEN

Country Exist Right
I anticipate that Apple’s fingerprint reader will in fact make iPhone 5S owners more likely to secure their smartphones.
AL FRANKEN

Anticipate Apple Fact Fingerprint iPhone Likely Make More Reader Secure Smartphone
No one is more sensitive to the issue of overeating than the creator of Stuart Smalley.
AL FRANKEN

Creator Issue More No One Overeating Sensitive
During the Reagan Administration, Bob Dole was present at a ceremony that included each living ex-president.
AL FRANKEN

Administration Bob Ceremony Country During Each Evil Include Live Present President
I’m a bit of a shill for the Clinton Administration, which has its perks. I’m invited to all the inaugural balls.
AL FRANKEN

Administration Ball Invite Perk
My parents didn’t make a lot of money. My dad was not a high school graduate.
AL FRANKEN

Career Dad Graduate High Lot Money School
I’m a perfectionist and if I start making changes, I’ll never stop.
AL FRANKEN

Change Make Perfectionist Start Stop
The important thing about advice is that it is simply that. Advice.
AL FRANKEN

Advice Important Simply Think
I’m sure I’ve devoted enough thought to Rush Limbaugh for one lifetime.
AL FRANKEN

Devote Enough Lifetime People

Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written “Today I will masterbate–if I want to!

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Today I will masterbate! Okay, that was a mistake. I should have written “Today I will masterbate–if I want to!

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