Life is just the time between crapping yourself.
ADAM CAROLLAI’d never hurt another person.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
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I’m a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I’m into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.
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I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.
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You have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can’t afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.
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You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
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The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.
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We’re all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it.
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Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.
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You shouldn’t be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
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I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out.
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Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money – do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.
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I don’t think healthcare’s a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.
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That’s an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone… forever?
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We’re always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.
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I swear my car won’t run unless I’m picking my nose: At least, I’m that superstitious about it, so I don’t want to take any chances.
ADAM CAROLLA