“Give my people plenty of beer, good beer, and cheap beer, and you will have no revolution among them.”

[On same-sex marriage:] No woman would do that.

Being married gives one one’s position like nothing else can.

Were women to “unsex” themselves by claiming equality with men, they would become the most hateful, heathen, and disgusting of beings and would surely perish without male protection.

Nothing will turn a man’s home into a castle more quickly and effectively than a dachshund.

Just close your eyes—and think of England.

[On alcohol:] Total abstinence is an impossibility and it will not do to insist on it as a general practice.

When I think of a merry, happy, and free young girl – and look at the ailing aching state a young wife is generally doomed to – which you can’t deny is the penalty of marriage.

Oh! was ever woman so blessed as I am.

His purity was too great, his aspiration too high for this poor, miserable world! His great soul is now only enjoying that for which it was worthy!

She was such a beautiful and sweet creature and so full of tricks.

You will find as the children grow up that as a rule children are a bitter disappointment – their greatest object being to do precisely what their parents do not wish and have anxiously tried to prevent.

We poor creatures are born for man’s pleasure and amusement, and destined to go through endless sufferings and trials.

Great events make me quiet and calm; it is only trifles that irritate my nerves.

That Book (the BIBLE) accounts for the supremacy of England

Affairs go on, and all will take some shape or other, but it keeps one in hot water all the time.

The important thing is not what they think of me, but what I think of them.

Candy is dandy but liqueur is quicker.

Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer: You can do it, just not as well as the others, really.

Everyone must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.

I just drank a fifth of vodka, dare me to drive?

Wine can of their wits the wise beguile, Make the sage frolic, and the serious smile.

It’s the wise man who stays home when he’s drunk.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Alcohol is the devil and I need Chinese food.