I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
MITCH HEDBERGMagicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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Why are there no “during” pictures?
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
MITCH HEDBERG -
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
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I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
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If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
MITCH HEDBERG