“A smile can get you far, but a smile with a gun can get you further.”

It’s a racket. Those stock market guys are crooked.

When I sell liquor, it’s bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it’s hospitality.

Capitalism is the legitimate racket of the ruling class.

Now I know why tigers eat their young.

Hell must be a pretty swell spot, because the guys that invented religion have sure been trying hard to keep everybody else out.

Bolshevism is knocking at our gates, we can’t afford to let it in.We must keep America whole and safe and unspoiled. We must keep the worker away from red literature and red ruses; we must see that his mind remains healthy.

I have built my organization upon fear.

You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Some call it bootlegging. Some call it racketeering. I call it a business.

I am sick and tired of publicity. I want no more of it. It puts me in a bad light. I just want to be forgotten.

My rackets are run on strictly American lines and they’re going to stay that way.

Vote early and vote often.

I am like any other man. All I do is supply a demand.

Be careful who you call your friends. I’d rather have four quarters than one hundred pennies.

You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.

You accomplish more with a smile, a handshake, and a gun than you do with just a smile and a handshake.

It is really a hard life. Men will not be nice to you if you are not good-looking, and women will not be nice to you if you are.

Stories in families are colossally important. Every family has stories: some funny, some proud, some embarrassing, some shameful. Knowing them is proof of belonging to the family.

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

Nothing is funnier than unhappiness, I grant you that. Yes, yes, it’s the most comical thing in the world.

What kind of Christmas present would Jesus ask Santa for?

If I were straight and I were trying to seduce a woman, I could do it just by standing up at the table when she came back from the bathroom. It works. Every time I do that, all the straight men are sitting at the table and their wives are kicking them. “Look at that!” “You never do that for me!”

You know, a balance-sheet is like a bikini, it shows more but it hides what is vital. I learnt to read a balance sheet and then I got fascinated by stocks.

I like skiing and surfing with kids. They are the cutest little skiers out there, in their little outfits. I just want to eat ’em up!