“This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.”

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.

When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.

I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

It’s the same thing that drives people to want to experience sexual pleasure or have one too many drinks.

This, is course, is not true. The wanton crucifixion of impulses, the unnecessary blocking and frustration of the drives and urges, are an evil that reflects itself in sophistication, ennui and boredom, dissatisfaction, melancholy, fatigue, anxiety and neurosis.

Oh, Lord, won’t you buy me a Mercedes Benz – My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.

Each day is a drive through history.

Reasoning is the pastime of my whole household, and all this reasoning has driven out Reason.

Art can be very political but that can’t be the purpose of art, it can’t be the driving force. It isn’t with any of the books that I love, anyway.

Many highly intelligent people are poor thinkers. Many people of average intelligence are skilled thinkers. The power of a car is separate from the way the car is driven.

The power of a car is separate from the way the car is driven.