I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDSThis job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDS