Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDSI never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I drink therefore I am.
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Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
W. C. FIELDS