Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
GROUCHO MARXI’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
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Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
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Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you’re probably watching the wrong channel.
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Don’t look now, but there’s one man too many in this room, and I think it’s you.
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
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When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun’.
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Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
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Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
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Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
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I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that.
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Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
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Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
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Well, art is art, isn’t it? Still, on the other hand, water is water!
GROUCHO MARX