I don’t watch reality TV.
DAVE ATTELLThe voice in my head has a stutter, and that’s really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa… Write it down!
More Dave Attell Quotes
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I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He’s at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don’t know what he’s talking about.
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Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
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Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I’ll tell you why: it’s cuz of that one sick man, and it’s up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.
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Everyone was laughin’. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
DAVE ATTELL -
I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes.
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Don’t get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away.
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I’ve never had a surprise birthday party. I’ve had every other type of surprise. I’ve had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
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I never wanted to be famous.
DAVE ATTELL -
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don’t know what happened to them. That’s the crowd that I like, the ones that don’t get so offended just to be offended.
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A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that’s about it.
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If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
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Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I’m not an actor though, so I don’t really have much choice in the matter.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
DAVE ATTELL