The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. “Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait – don’t run away!”
DAVE ATTELLThe voice in my head has a stutter, and that’s really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa… Write it down!
More Dave Attell Quotes
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I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
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I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that’s not what I said!
DAVE ATTELL -
I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes.
DAVE ATTELL -
I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
DAVE ATTELL -
When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
DAVE ATTELL -
I’ve never had a surprise birthday party. I’ve had every other type of surprise. I’ve had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
DAVE ATTELL -
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I’m always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.
DAVE ATTELL -
Being on the road is kind of lonely.
DAVE ATTELL -
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He’s at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don’t know what he’s talking about.
DAVE ATTELL -
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
DAVE ATTELL -
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
DAVE ATTELL -
I don’t think I’m a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
DAVE ATTELL -
I never wanted to be famous.
DAVE ATTELL -
I’m not the comic of the generation, I’m not even the funniest guy in my family.
DAVE ATTELL