But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
BILL BAILEYI’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
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Work hard, save and live within your means.
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
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This shed does not contain me.
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
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The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
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I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
BILL BAILEY