See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
JERRY SEINFELDSee, you know how to take the reservation, you just don’t know how to hold the reservation and that’s really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.
JERRY SEINFELDThis is one of my big things of creative pursuits. You have your idea you want to do, but then you got to figure out what does this thing want to be? You got to let it lead you a little.
JERRY SEINFELDI was the best man at the wedding… If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
JERRY SEINFELDPain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
JERRY SEINFELDSomebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
JERRY SEINFELDWise is what you want to be. Smart is easy compared to wise.
JERRY SEINFELDThe Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it’s so much fun.
JERRY SEINFELDIf I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
JERRY SEINFELDYou know the message you’re sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You’re telling the world, ‘I give up. I can’t compete in normal society. I’m miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.
JERRY SEINFELDThe toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I’m like Grace Jones to them. “This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where’s the wife jokes, where’s the fat jokes?”
JERRY SEINFELDYour blessing in life is when you find the torture you’re comfortable with.
JERRY SEINFELDDogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.
JERRY SEINFELDMost people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it’s a relic.
JERRY SEINFELDI’ve been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It’s just something I’m very aware of.
JERRY SEINFELDI can’t go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?
JERRY SEINFELDI always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you’ll hit it.
JERRY SEINFELD