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I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

Dave Attell

ltimate Frisbee Championships? It sucks to be a champion at a sport that can’t get you laid. It’s an unneeded skill like, I dunno, being the best banjo player. Or a squirter.
DAVE ATTELL

Being Championship Suiter Unneeded
Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ‘the cops.’ But you know, sometimes, you’ve just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!
DAVE ATTELL

Funny Humor School
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He’s at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don’t know what he’s talking about.
DAVE ATTELL

Bland Dad Firstly Military Mother Together
Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
DAVE ATTELL

Funny Humor Shooting Stupid
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don’t you? “Damn I got to get the hell out of here!” “What was I thinking!”
DAVE ATTELL

Both Funny Humor Murder Sex
When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
DAVE ATTELL

Country Kids Pardon People
Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
DAVE ATTELL

Alright Chair Enough Worse
Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
DAVE ATTELL

Great Writers Joyce
I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.
DAVE ATTELL

Imagination Life Reality Watch
I’m not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn’t like it, other scarier voice in my head! ‘Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.
DAVE ATTELL

Cause Scarier
Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I’ll tell you why: it’s cuz of that one sick man, and it’s up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.
DAVE ATTELL

Animal Country Men Sex Sick
I don’t think I’m a star or a celebrity or any thing like that.
DAVE ATTELL

Celebrity Stars Thinking
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
DAVE ATTELL

Dad Funny Hate Travel
I never wanted to be famous.
DAVE ATTELL

Famous never Wanted
I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
DAVE ATTELL

Before Love Running Sitting Thinking
I don’t watch reality TV.
DAVE ATTELL

Reality Television Tell Watches Work

I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

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I love Fear Factor, but I think they’re running out of fears. It’s only a matter of time before they’re sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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