Are you shooting webs of stupid at me?
DAVE ATTELLIs she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
More Dave Attell Quotes
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I’m not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn’t like it, other scarier voice in my head! ‘Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.
DAVE ATTELL -
I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.
DAVE ATTELL -
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I’m always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.
DAVE ATTELL -
Jesse Joyce is a great writer.
DAVE ATTELL -
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He’s at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don’t know what he’s talking about.
DAVE ATTELL -
A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that’s pretty much what you’re supposed to do with jokes. You’re not supposed to take it any further than that.
DAVE ATTELL -
Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
DAVE ATTELL -
Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
DAVE ATTELL -
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
DAVE ATTELL -
My day jobs… I knew I was bad at those, so I didn’t really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
DAVE ATTELL -
I’m not the comic of the generation, I’m not even the funniest guy in my family.
DAVE ATTELL -
I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.
DAVE ATTELL -
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, “Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.”
DAVE ATTELL -
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I’m not an actor though, so I don’t really have much choice in the matter.
DAVE ATTELL -
For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don’t know what happened to them. That’s the crowd that I like, the ones that don’t get so offended just to be offended.
DAVE ATTELL