The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. “Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait – don’t run away!”
DAVE ATTELLI’m a joke comic. I tell jokes.
More Dave Attell Quotes
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My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I’ll tell you ladies: it’s amazing.
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I’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s what I’m going to keep doing.
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Aspirin will not bring dead hookers back to life.
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I don’t watch reality TV.
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For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don’t know what happened to them. That’s the crowd that I like, the ones that don’t get so offended just to be offended.
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Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
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When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
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I’m not the comic of the generation, I’m not even the funniest guy in my family.
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I’ve never had a surprise birthday party. I’ve had every other type of surprise. I’ve had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
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A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that’s about it.
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I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.
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I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.
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So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
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A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I mean, you can boo or laugh, and that’s pretty much what you’re supposed to do with jokes. You’re not supposed to take it any further than that.
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My day jobs… I knew I was bad at those, so I didn’t really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.
DAVE ATTELL