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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ‘the cops.’ But you know, sometimes, you’ve just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Dave Attell

I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.
DAVE ATTELL

Crowds Laughing Mind Show
Being on the road is kind of lonely.
DAVE ATTELL

Being Kind Lonely Road
Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I’ll tell you why: it’s cuz of that one sick man, and it’s up to me and a half-mexican to stop him.
DAVE ATTELL

Animal Country Men Sex Sick
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
DAVE ATTELL

Bracelet Crazy Funny Humor
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He’s at that age now where his war stories and other stories have blended together, so now you don’t know what he’s talking about.
DAVE ATTELL

Bland Dad Firstly Military Mother Together
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.
DAVE ATTELL

Loce Stuff Television
Alright, how do we make the electric chair worse? How about this? They have to pedal a car battery to their own head. Is that ok? Is that enough, Mr. Hitler?
DAVE ATTELL

Alright Chair Enough Worse
I never wanted to be famous.
DAVE ATTELL

Famous never Wanted
Capital punishment, that thing scares me, it really does. I was talking to my friend about the electric chair, and he starts freakin’ out. He’s like ‘the electric chair? That’s too good for these people. That’s too good for them’.
DAVE ATTELL

Capital Car Electric Punishment Scare Talking
I don’t watch reality TV.
DAVE ATTELL

Reality Television Tell Watches Work
The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. “Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait – don’t run away!”
DAVE ATTELL

Discovery Funny Running
I have a lot of pot tendencies. I’m always late, I laugh for no reason, I watch Jeopardy! with the sound off and make up my own questions.
DAVE ATTELL

Laughing Question Sound Tendency Watches
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino.
DAVE ATTELL

Funny Humor Rhinos Strap
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.
DAVE ATTELL

Book Drunk Phones
I’m not the comic of the generation, I’m not even the funniest guy in my family.
DAVE ATTELL

Family Generations Guy
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly ’cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
DAVE ATTELL

Dad Funny Hate Travel

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ‘the cops.’ But you know, sometimes, you’ve just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

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Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ‘the cops.’ But you know, sometimes, you’ve just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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