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Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.

Bill Engvall

Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, “Hey… We don’t hit”. He looked at me like, “Here’s your sign, Dad”.
BILL ENGVALL

Dad Looked Son Yesterday
If your mother still drives you to school, you are not a gangster, pull your pants up!
BILL ENGVALL

Mother Pants School
So I sat there for a second, and then I said “did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?” He left.
BILL ENGVALL

Catholics Communion Left Second
I’ve come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid’s parent/teacher conference.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Kids Teacher
In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.
BILL ENGVALL

Airplane Brother Country
I’ve about decided if it wasn’t for the sex, I could be gay. Hell, then you’re just hangin’ out with your buddies.
BILL ENGVALL

Gay Hell Sex
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock.
BILL ENGVALL

Couple Fishing Give Up
I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat? He said, Peanut Butter. I said, If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick? He said, no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down.
BILL ENGVALL

Butter Peanut Sick Taste
The human brain doesn’t come with an instruction manual.
BILL ENGVALL

Brain Humans Instruction
And isn’t that weird? Think about this, when you’re born, you nurse on your mama.
BILL ENGVALL

Home Mean Nursing
Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”
BILL ENGVALL

Buddies Check Coming Ground Line Ride
As we’re staggering out of the hospital, I don’t remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed “Hey! I’d better not see this on YouTube!”
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Humor Rooms
The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, Tire go flat? I couldn’t resist. Said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Around Attendant Looked Resist Swelled Walk
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it.
BILL ENGVALL

Animal Discovery Hurt Shark
To all companies please stop using Xmas songs and inserting your own lyrics. Write your own music. I am boycotting you until you stop.
BILL ENGVALL

Companies Please Song Writing Xmas
I was traveling down the road with a buddy and there’s a guy driving around in a jeep with a dead deer strapped to the hood.
BILL ENGVALL

Giving Hunting Thinking

Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.

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Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.

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Popular Authors

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