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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.

Bill Engvall

Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. “Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up…” WHAM! And what do you say, if you’re the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? “All right dude, you’re up.”
BILL ENGVALL

Buddies Check Coming Ground Line Ride
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there’s Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Humor Uncles
Welcome to my garage. This is where I go to get away from the Honey-Do list.
BILL ENGVALL

Funny Honey Humor
I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: “When you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.” “Aaaaaaahhhhhh! No, No, No!” There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
BILL ENGVALL

Daughter Goes No Pick Puts Wife
Did you ever notice all the items on a honey do list are dangerous. Clean gutters, put light in shower, patch roof. It’s a honey die list.
BILL ENGVALL

Gutters Honey Light
Ketchup is great on hamburgers, but if some gets on your shirt, that does not make your shirt also a hamburger.
BILL ENGVALL

Hamburgers Ketchup Shirts
My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving? Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Friend Moving Pack Sign Stuff
Just when I think the human race has been lost to the “what about me” people. I see the best we have to offer helping others.
BILL ENGVALL

Helping Others Race Thinking
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I’d feel if someone interrupted me.
BILL ENGVALL

Safe Sharks Water
If you thought Stairway to Heaven was a long song, dear god you should listen to it played on a lute.
BILL ENGVALL

Heaven Long Song
You can’t tell somebody to kiss your ass on a scooter!
BILL ENGVALL

Ass Kissing Scooter
I was always the Class Clown and over time became very good at it. I started doing comedy on stage at the Dallas Comedy Corner where I honed my skills by watching guys like Garry Shandling, Robin Williams, Jay Lena and more.
BILL ENGVALL

Class Guy Skills
Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died.
BILL ENGVALL

Day Died God Great
Ladies, you wake up tomorrow and the newspaper reads Scientists have discovered a way for men to experience childbirth. That would be awesome.
BILL ENGVALL

Ladies Men Newspaper Tomorrow
My buddy says to me you think he’s been hunting? Nope, They’re probably giving them away with the purchase of every jeep. Here’s your sign!
BILL ENGVALL

Hope Hunt Purchase Sign
I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, y’all catch all them fish? Nope – Talked ’em into giving up. Here’s your sign.
BILL ENGVALL

Giving Nope Poring Sign Talking

I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.

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I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain out side so buy the time I get from the car to the front door I am soaked.

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Popular Authors

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