“I’m more married to Sandy now than when we were married with the legal document. We’re still married as parents.”

I wrapped a towel around me and I opened the door, and then I splish, splash, I jumped back in the bath. Well, how was I to know there was a party going on?

The most important thing for anyone, I think, is to be engaged, whether you’re an artist or a journalist is to be engaged in the process at some level.

My philosophy is to take one day at a time. I don’t worry about the future. Tomorrow is even out of sight for me.

I don’t care if I never do another TV show in my life.

Rather, the problem is that any individual merchant’s sign won’t be noticed unless it’s bigger and more garish than those of rival merchants.

My girlfriend Rhonda, who’s now my wife, I graduated from high school, she got pregnant. My grandfather said, ‘You’ve got to do the right thing.’

I am now a turtle. Virtually everything I own is on my back and suffice it to say I am one ton lighter and therefore 2,000 pounds happier. All houses are gone.

Memories are like moonbeams; we do with them what we want.

Who am I that I have to sing under an umbrella? These people are my fans, and if they can stand in the rain to hear me sing, I can stand in the rain.

It was as though all my hostilities, anxieties, and conflicts were in one ball that was flying away into space, farther from me all the time, leaving me content with myself

Maybe I should quit the business. There’s no one left for me to love. Mama’s dead. Mr. Burns couldn’t care less about me. What’s left?

A comedian’s body is funny as well as his mind being funny, his whole personage is funny.

There are certain times I don’t want my picture taken. If my wife’s stepping out of a car and it looks like it’s going to come out an indecent picture, don’t I have a right to object?

I could have a roomful of awards and it wouldn’t mean beans

I’ve got a dream lover, so I don’t have to dream alone.

I’m definitely not getting married. In this business, you’re either getting married or they want you to be pregnant. I’m not getting married until I’m forty. If ever.

I’m not getting married until I’m forty. If ever.

I do think that same gender partners should be able to be married. Why not? If you share a life together than who in the world should have anything to say about it?

Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.

Once you are married, there is nothing left for you, not even suicide.

I’ve been married a few times. I’m not good at it.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

I’m getting married in the morning! / Ding dong! the bells are gonna chime.