If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?
BILLY CONNOLLYA mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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There’s no such thing as bad weather – only the wrong clothes.
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My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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I don’t aim to offend.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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I think of my life as a series of moments and I’ve found that the great moments often don’t have too much to them.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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It’s my mind, and I reserve the right to change it as often as I like.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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Try to live in a place you like.
BILLY CONNOLLY