“What do you do if you’re in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?”

I have no agenda, nothing to control.

In the creative sense, I’m looking forward to collaborating with people I have mutual respect for to create some really good work.

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

Think well of yourself and others will too. Unless those others are in government, banking, or show business.

It’s 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It’s enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren’t there that are alive.

Wise men say, only fools rush in. Wise men are so slow.

If you’re a host of a video show and you’re on the cleanest show on television for eight years, people want to say, ‘Well, that’s what that person does.’ That was the dilemma for me, career-wise.

I am stressed because once I am flattened out so thin to be able to slide under a doorway, I may never be able to ever be unflattened so I could be regular sized again.

Friend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.

I’m completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

My haircutter figured out I whine less if I’m under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven’t given me a Brazilian wax.

I love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don’t want to make fun of people.

I have a feeling I’m going to wake up one day and say ‘I can’t do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean.’ I’ll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they’re really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I’m not laughing.

I wouldn’t hurt a flea. I’d finger a spider though.

I love the way they run in fright when I turn on the kitchen light. And when I squish them on the ground, they make a pleasant crunchy sound.

When I was a young teenager my mother always encouraged my brother, my sister and I to get involved in the kitchen.

We have the most varied and imaginative bathrooms in the world, we have kitchens with the most gimmicks, we have houses with every possible electrical gadget to save ourselves all kinds of trouble – all so that we can have leisure. Leisure, leisure, leisure!

The ketchup bottle on the kitchen table.

For some reason it made me want to curl up in the fetal position. I could have slept right there on their kitchen table.

The science of life is a superb and dazzlingly lighted hall which may be reached only by passing through a long and ghastly kitchen.

Working in kitchens with Mexicans you always listen to the Spanish channel and that’s what I use. Whenever I cook I think of Spanish music, so I always have to listen to some sort of salsa. It gets your body going.

My mother and my grandmother are pioneers of Mexican cuisine in this country, so I grew up in the kitchen. My mom, Zarela Martinez, was by far my biggest influence and inspiration – and toughest critic.