“I think the comedy clubs tend to homogenize the acts a little bit, because they force them to be palatable in way too many environments.”

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.

You love the people that give you money and attention? Of course you do, that’s not selfless that you love your fans, that’s ridiculous.

I just think they aren’t true. I’m saying that our generation wants stuff that is substantial and challenging, as well as thoughtful and endearing. Well, I don’t know if I’m doing that, but I’m trying.

What’s that? My six song album entitled Bo Fo Sho is currently available on iTunes? With three songs that have never been heard on the internet? Uh, and if I try to pirate it for free I’ll get AIDS? I would have guessed scurvy. Well, see you later ghost of Dr.Martin Luther King Jr.

Laughter is the best medicine, y’know, besides medicine.

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no f-king sense make.

The classic comedian says there’s nothing that’s taboo; if you laugh at one thing you’ve got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost… my virginity.

If comedy is about surprises, about tension, there’s a lot of tension and surprise there, in the fact that people are expecting this to be natural.

When I see someone filming me, I don’t usually think, ‘No, man, don’t put this up online!’ I’d think, ‘Hey man, you don’t get to go to shows very often, put down the camera and enjoy it!’ I love going to theatre and to shows so much.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don’t.

I work really hard on the shows and I think the shows speak for themselves. I don’t want to construct the show to prove something.

There’s a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he’s a good conductor?

Was Einstein’s theory good? Relatively.

If I can sell out clubs and theaters and play dirtbags in movies, and get blown up in a car or get the crap beat out of me in a movie, that’s good for me; I’m good.

I can see myself staying at Blackburn for the rest of my career – unless I move to another club at some stage

I don’t want to go to Portsmouth or any other club that has no ambitions.

I’d rather be shot than be seen falling out of some trendy club.

Most novels I come across have all the excitement of a long trip on a bus with a sensitive glee club. Yammer and chat.

There are times when a golfer is tempted to throw her clubs away and forget the whole ‘humblin’ business.’ At other times, she wouldn’t trade places with a queen-that’s when the shots are long and true, and putts are dropping.

I didn’t mind working in the clubs, but I resented it being a club where pimps hang out. Because the music that I create is of a higher intellect than that. It not only encompasses pimps, but whores, ballplayers, executives… everybody.

Barcelona is always a club that, at the beginning of the season, wants to win everything. I will try my best to do that with them and I’m sure I will help as much as I can.