“I pity anyone who can’t laugh. There must be something wrong with their religion or their lives. The devil can’t laugh.”

The saloon is a liar. It promises good cheer and sends sorrow. It promises prosperity and sends adversity. It promises happiness and sends misery…. It is God’s worst enemy and the devil’s best friend.

I am the sworn, eternal and uncompromising enemy of the liquor traffic.

You can’t measure manhood with a tape line around the biceps.

If you want to drive the devil out of the world, hit him with a cradle instead of a crutch

I tell you that the curse of God Almighty is on the saloon.

I have more respect for the devil than for some preachers I have met; the devil believes the Bible is the Word of God!

Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first.

When is a revival needed? When carelessness and unconcern keep the people asleep.

The mother of Moses did more for the world than all the kinds that Egypt ever had. Oh, you wait until you reach the mountains of eternity, then read the mothers’ names in God’s Hall of Fame.

The Bible says forgive your debtors; the world says “sue them for their dough.”

I am a temperance Republican down to my toes.

Let’s quit fiddling with religion and do something to bring the world to Christ.

I dare not exercise personal liberty if it infringes on the liberty of others.

God Almighty never intended that the devil should triumph over the Church. He never intended that the saloons should walk rough-shod over Christianity.

The law tells me how crooked I am. Grace comes along and straightens me out.

I am an old-fashioned preacher of the old-time religion, that has warmed this cold world’s heart for two thousand years.

I remember when TV networks believed in the First Amendment. It is a messed up situation when Miley Cyrus gets a laugh, and Phil Robertson gets suspended.

Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.

Because real thoughts come from outside and travel with us like the noodle soup we take to work; in other words, inquisitors burn books in vain.

Homo sapiens Yuck You contemporary fools laugh at religious and political lies spewed by sociopaths, lies that tether you forever to poverty and mediocrity.

The classic comedian says there’s nothing that’s taboo; if you laugh at one thing you’ve got to laugh at everything, that comedy is taking people to dark areas and showing them the light.

The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.

The voice gets to the soul of a person more than any other instrument. Because it’s the voice. It sings talks, it cries, it laughs, it squeals, it barks, it shouts it whispers, There is no other instrument that can do that. We’re born with it.

When we realize finally that we aren’t God’s given children, we’ll understand satire. Humor is really laughing off a hurt, grinning at misery.