Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
BILL BAILEYI would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
BILL BAILEY