“when your child is in trouble, the first thing you do is blame yourself.”

Success can make you go one of two ways. It can make you a prima donna – or it can smooth the edges, take away the insecurities, let the nice things come out.

If you were a tree, what kind would you be?

Life sometimes brings enormous difficulties and challenges that seem just too hard to bear. But bear them you can, and bear them you will, and your life can have a purpose.

Small children do not belong at an adult party, and especially should not be used like trained midgets to help serve martinis.

Show me someone who never gossips, and I’ll show you someone who isn’t interested in people.

[On being indecisive and changeable:] On my gravestone I want inscribed: ‘On the other hand, maybe I should have lived.

Homogeneity is much to be admired – in milk, for instance – but not for parties.

A good laugh makes any interview, or any conversation, so much better.

If it’s a woman it’s caustic, if it’s a man it’s authority, If it’s a woman it’s too pushy, if it’s a man it’s aggressive in the best sense of the word.

A conversation isn’t a competition.

This is what I tell, especially young women, fight the big fights. Don’t fight the little fight… Be the first one in, be the last one out. Do your homework, choose your battles. Don’t whine, and don’t be the one who complains about everything. Fight the big fight.

Most old people … are disheartened to be living in the ailing house of their bodies, to be limited physically and economically, to feel an encumbrance to others – guests who didn’t have the good manners to leave when the party was over.

The news media in general are liberals.

To not sing with an orchestra, to not be able to communicate through my voice, which I’ve done all my life, and not to be able to phrase lyrics and give people that kind of joy, I think I would be totally devastated.

I don’t know about you, but I can never get enough David Letterman.

A Hot Fudge Sundae and a trashy novel is my idea of heaven.

French was my first language.

If you make the opportunity. you’ll be the first in the position to take advantage of it.

I was going to do a book about the first prearranged Karpov-Kasparov match, ’84-’85. But the God-damn Jews have stolen my entire file on that.

My first ‘SNL’ episode was with Michael Phelps and Lil Wayne. And if you go back and watch the monologue.

Our first half is about how to make a living, and our second half has the promise of being about how to make a life.

A censure would put an indelible scar on the president’s place in history, .. Monica Lewinsky is not Watergate. Let he who has no sin in this chamber cast the first stone.

All artists are protected by copyright… and we should be the first to respect copyright.

You know, as you get older, the first thing you lose is memory. It seems to be happening with me.