“A good listener is usually thinking about something else.”

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, an’ it keeps on laughin’.

An optimist is a fellow who believes what’s going to be will be postponed

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.

Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he’s overcharging you.

Flattery won’t hurt you if you don’t swallow it.

One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.

It’s going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth once they inherit it.

“Why doesn’t the fellow who says, “I’m no speechmaker,” let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration? “

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.

The worst waste of breath, next to playing a saxophone, is advising a son

University: … a place where rich men send their sons who have no aptitude for business.

One of the commonest ailments of the present day is the premature formation of opinion.

I never saw an athletic girl that thought she was strong enough to do indoor work.

A fellow ought to save a few of the long evenings he spends with his girl till after they’re married.

Some folks can look so busy doing nothing that they seem indispensable.

People are willing to pay you if you’re any good at all, and you have plenty of time for screwing around.

My novels are about the European reality, not about chases. You want chases, get somebody else’s books.

I learnt that I must never finish a book with nothing else to do.

You must take people as they come. Remember, too that though you will generally know more about the condition than the patient, it is the patient who has the condition and this if nothing else bestows on him or her a kind of wisdom.

Knowing as their own dusk falls that they will only be remembered for remembering someone else.

If you remember nothing else, remember this: Inspiration from outside one’s self is like the heat in an oven.

Makes you wonder what else you can do that you’ve forgotten about.

What he does with it, that’s something else, but he’s got it all. The talent, the instrument is there, that’s why he has endured.