Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLERA bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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