Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLERA bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLER