Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLERA bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLER