“It’s funny what a few no-hitters do for a body.”

Age is a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.

Just take the ball and throw it where you want to. Throw strikes. Home plate don’t move.

Don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a a hundred times, I’m forty-four years old.

When a batter swings and I see his knees move, I can tell just what his weaknesses are then I just put the ball where I know he can’t hit it.

I never threw an illegal pitch. The trouble is, once in a while I toss one that ain’t never been seen by this generation.

Don’t look back. Something might be gaining on you.

I never rush myself. See, they can’t start the game without me.

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you.

I was born in August, no July, 1908.

My feet ain’t got nothing to do with my nickname, but when folks get it in their heads that a feller’s got big feet, soon the feet start looking big.

My pitching philosophy is simple – keep the ball way from the bat.

Avoid fried foods, which angry up the blood.

If your stomach disputes you, lie down and pacify it with cool thoughts.

You gotta keep the ball off the fat part of the bat.

Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world.

Do what you love to do and give it your very best. Whether it’s business or baseball, or the theater, or any field.

Go ahead, take out your dong.’ ‘I’m not taking out my dong. And by the way, who uses the word dong?

I sang do-wop on the street corner before it was called do-wop.I can sing some polkas. And proud of that.

When neither high purpose nor the categorical imperatives of religion will do, the only argument against suicide is life itself.

I didn’t think I was going to have to do three, but the idiot kept getting reelected.

They’re about getting ratings, about making money, about doing stories that are easy to cover.

Minnesotans know the difference between the job of satirist and the job of senator. And so do I.

Well, a lot of politics is communicating with people, and obviously comedy has something to do with that.