I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD