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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Birthday Ever Had Join Respect Toast Water Wife Women

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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Cat Cover Kept Me Play Sandbox Up
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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Attack Control Girl Last Myself Night Save
A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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Another Come Day Girl Home Nobody Over Phone
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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Fed Me Mother Shot Sing So Ugly Use
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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Bartender Plumber Psychiatrist See Seen Told Truth Wife
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Honest Luck Politician Run Way
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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Everyone Fruit Laugh Loom Met Morning Underwear
I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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Age Food Kitchen Life Mirror Over Tab Taken
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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Interrupt Spoken Wife Year
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Father Finger Kidnap More Piece Proof Remember Sent Time Want
My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

All Antier Chocolate Cook Got Mae Mouse Stuck Throat Wife
Life is just a bowl of pits.
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Bowl Just Life Pit
Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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Act Actor Each Expose Himself Nide Time
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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Around Came Carry Father Picture Wallet
I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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Cigarette General Met Offer Surgeon
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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Another Came Cement Felt Hand Neighborhood Real Some Tough
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Fight Full Hope Man Reform Seventy Still Twenty Want
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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Already Always Eye Garbage Keep Me Rid She Told Try Wife
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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Born I Morning Mother Sickness
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Birthday Ever Had Join Respect Toast Water Wife Women
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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Come Door Life Met Negligee Night Other Sexy Unfortunately
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Arm Bone Dog Favorite My
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Everything Marriage Room Sepaetae Sleep Together Vacation
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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Breast Fed Friend Like Me Mover never Only She Told
My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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Calendar Day Get Jealous Look May Other Ridiculous Want Wife
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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Afraid Dark Light Me Naked Saw Wife
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Cheat Good Goodness Kid Look Me Wife

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